Here is a list of several issues that needed to be resolved and divulged for good of baseball as a whole:
- Chipper hardens the fuck up and returns to his real name, Larry Wayne Jones. You're 40.
- BJ Upton to expand his name to Bossman Junior Upton.
- Paul Konerko to use a DJ Pauly D ''club banger'' as his at-bat music.
- Travis Wood to stop using “N****s In Paris” as his at-bat music.
- Some player, I'm looking at you Bronson Arroyo, to bring back the Pedro Martinez Jheri curl.
- Jaime Moyer to receive a 50 game suspension for failed drug test for Viagra.
- Moyer challenges the suspension citing his goal as Comeback Player of the Year.
- MLB remembers it's Comeback Player of the Year award is sponsored by Viagra.
- MLB arbitration panel overturns the suspension and Bud Selig personally apologizes/endorses.
- Buck Showalter releases his secret fifth scouting rule: No players with freckles.
- Shane Victorino to use incrementally larger helmets until we realize he is just a life-sized bobblehead.
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