How to Make the MLB All Star Game Exciting

For all the hoopla they get, the MLB All Star Game and its associated acts are actually pretty dull. What are Matt Kemp and his friends going to do this time? Hit more home runs? Less home runs? It's batting practice, and you can see that any time you want (granted, you won't witness any State Farm contest winners get their hopes and dreams crushed by Carlos Beltran's don't care attitude).

How can we spice things up moving forward? Here's a simple solution conjured up by the esteemed PHS Baseball Think Tank...

THE OBSTACLE COURSE.

Where the NBA Skills Challenge is goofy and unnecessary, its MLB counterpart will be goofy and totally $#%^#@* amazing.

Participants for the SkiLLZ ChaLLeNGe (remember, the MLB is always a decade behind) will include six of the most physically awkward players in the league, as voted by their peers. It should look something like this:

Hunter Pence
Nyjer Morgan
Jose Altuve
Pablo Sandoval
Placido Polanco
Dan Uggla

The opening leg of the SkiLLZ ChaLLeNGe, sponsored by Detrol, begins with a carioca run from the dugout to the batters box for the first of several SkiLLZ stations.

At the first station, players will step in the box and attempt to bat balls at targets of varying values. Several "money balls" filled with blue dye instead of cork will be thrown at random. Hilarity will ensue. (Sponsored by Tide).

After 20 pitches (thrown in rapid succession), players will enter a dead sprint to the right field corner where, upon arrival at the second station, they will have to (1) spin around a bat, forehead to handle, 10 times, (2) tear open a pack of Big League Chew (or whichever brofessional gum Wrigley is selling at the moment), (3) blow a giant bubble and (4) place the completed bubble on Don Zimmer's bald head. No hands.

From there, they will have to run, while still dizzy, to center field, where the Tom Emanski Memorial SkiLLZ Station awaits. It won't be that easy, of course, as players will have to make the run while trying to avoid a scary clown trying to touch their dick (customary, misappropriated use of "That's A Clown Question, Bro." Nailed it).

If it wasn't for Dear Father Tom Emanski, this event would probably never enter the baseball schema. With Fred McGriff looking on, participants at the center field station will attempt to throw a strike into a trash can placed behind home plate. And by trash can, I mean giant Axe Body Spray can. Pick your jaw up off of the table, Mr. Selig. This isn't over yet.

With Beat Takeshi and Sonomanma Higashi on commentary, players will navigate a zig-zag run through cones along the left field warning track. Meanwhile, fans in the first three rows will try to pelt them with delicious Taco Bell Beefy Nacho Burritos.

After making the final turn in the left field corner, players will high-knee through the Firestone Tire run, and then finally make one final sprint towards a 60-foot, Gatorade-filled slip-n-slide that takes them through the finish line.

The best time wins. There you have it. Big fun. Big money. The 1st Annual Captain Morgan MLB SkiLLZ ChaLLeNGe presented by Captain Morgan.