"They Might Be Giants"

The glory of America's pastime in the heat of a pennant race. 

The story of a team forged under pressure.

They were misfits. They were champions. 

They were Giants. 

An excerpt from the upcoming film:

INT. GIANTS CLUBHOUSE

Brian Sabean and Bruce Bochy converse in locker room tunnel.

BRUCE BOCHY

Are you f****** kidding me? What is this s***? Melky f***** us! We're f*****! We're f****** f*****, goddamnit!

Hunter Pence walks through the middle of conversation, pauses as he realizes his mistake, turns around and walks through conversation again. 

BRUCE BOCHY (CONT'D)

What are we going to do Sabes?
   (pauses, looks up)
Who's going to lead this team?

Sabean takes off glasses, leans in towards Bochy's right ear.

BRIAN SABEAN

Make the call. 

CUT TO:

INT. CALIFORNIA INTERSTATE 205

Wide angle shot tracking decrepit muscle car speeding north on an empty freeway. 

Zoom in towards driver. Todd Linden lets out sustained scream as he accelerates out of frame.  

THE CAST

John C. Reilly as Matt Cain

CM Punk as Brian Wilson

Jon Heder as Buster Posey

Louis C.K. as Aubrey Huff

Harland Williams as Madison Bumgarner

Woody Harrelson as Hunter Pence

Aziz Ansari as Angel Pagan

John Stamos as himself

Dave Longstreth of Dirty Projectors as Barry Zito

Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson as Melky Cabrera

 N.O.R.E. as Pablo Sandoval

Joseph Gordon Levitt as Tim Lincecum

Lance Reddick as Roberto Kelly

Clancy Brown as Brian Sabean

And featuring Dennis Miller as manager Bruce Bochy

SPRING 2013

Country Hardball, Reptile People and the Secret of the Pyramids

Some trace the origins of baseball as we know it to the mid 1800s. Others trace it to 13th century France. Is it possible, however, that the game goes back to a date much, much earlier than scholars and scholar-athletes previously thought? Is such a thing even possible? Yes it is. 

Might I suggest that the great "American" game actually started over 5000 years ago along the Nile River, played by those not coordinated enough to ride alligators or play handball.

Is it a coincidence that the baseball diamond is merely two pyramids stacked on top of each other? And who created the pyramids? The ancient astronauts? Did the ancient astronauts create the game of baseball? The answer is more simple than you think. The answer is "yes."

But why did the ancient astronauts create the game of baseball? Is it a haven for reptilian shapeshifters? 

The past decade has been a breakthrough for proponents of reptilian-one-world-government conspiracy theories: The Bush Presidency, the collapse of the dollar, Watch The Throne. It's so clear! It's right in front of your face! What are you doing still sitting in front of the computer? Run motherf$#%$@!

The Kanye/Jay-Z metamorphosis photo shocked many. We now know that the reptilians rule the government, the movie industry, and pop music. Might I suggest that they are also nearly unhittable. 

Tall, powerful reptilian humanoids are dominating the game of baseball. 

They might play on different teams, deceiving the naked eye, but if you examine them together they are clearly cut from the same extraterrestrial cloth. They are all under 24 years old. They all display arm motion that defies our understanding of human biomechanics. Madison Bumgarner once threw behind a hitter in Double-A because he "swung too hard" on the previous pitch. His blood runs cold. 

Of course, if you think about it, this isn't the first time we've seen clear evidence of reptilian shapeshifters in Major League Baseball...

Break It Down: Melky Cabrera Has Two Words For You

Are you ready?
You think you can tell us what to do? You think you can tell us what to wear?
You think you're better? Well you better get ready.

Bow to the Melk Man.

Edit: Disregard text. GIFs still amazing

Melky Cabrera made a triumphant return to Atlanta's Turner Field last week, the same place that he endured the worst season of his professional career. Cabrera ate the Braves' pitching alive, two hands at a time, going 6-13 with 5 runs, 3 RBI and one cherry-on-top home run.

A main piece in the 2010 Braves-Yankees trade for Javier Vazquez, Cabrera hit .255 in Atlanta with only 4 home runs over 458 at bats. Cabrera was mostly relegated to the bench during the Braves epic playoff battle with the Giants that year, and was a non-factor once on the field going hitless in 8 at bats. They said he was fat and out of shape. Melky was released by the Braves after only one season.

That was 2010, and after a rehab stint with a minor league team in Kansas City, the Melk Man has been reborn in 2012 as a serious MVP candidate with the San Francisco Giants. He's leading the Giants offense with a .356/.400/.534 slash line, in addition to leading all of baseball in hits (132 as of today).

That's right. Melky Cabrera. You were shocked he made the All Star team. You were shocked he won the All Star MVP award, and whether or not he wins the National League MVP, he wants you to know that the man once known as Masapan Con Leche should now be known as Maza Con Leche.
Also, he has two words for you:

After the game, Chipper Jones was very upset, telling the Atlanta Journal-Constitution, "that's Melky, and that's why he's not here anymore." Jones, at 67 years of age, believes in an old school version of the game, adding that the Melk Man's actions "won't be forgotten." 

Melky's response below (56K beware):