Everything in my life sucks right now

John Lackey famously declared following a May 11th, 2011 performance allowing nine runs. It never got better for Lackey; he strained his elbow in that performance; he came back and still pitched terribly; he divorced his wife; he was labeled as the ringleader in the chicken n' beer clubhouse scandal; AND he had Tommy John surgery in the off-season. IT ONLY GETS WORSE JOHN. His TJ opened the door for a clause at the end of his contract. The Red Sox hold a team option for 2015 paying Lackey the league minimum if he missed time from elbow surgery. All I know is I will be buying as much stock in KFC and Anheuser-Busch come ~June 2015. In the year 2015, Daisuke Matsuzaka will look just like Antonio Alfonseca (having grown the 6th finger after experimental stem cell treatment), Clay Buchholz will be throwing 80 MPH trying to emulate Daniel Bard's lazy arm action, and David Ortiz will still be putting up .300/30/100 (that's three out of ten times he makes it to the bathroom before he shits his pants, 30 games as the designated hitter, and 100 games as the designated driver for the starting rotation).

Right now is the least of your worries Mr. Lackey.