Break It Down: Melky Cabrera Has Two Words For You

Are you ready?
You think you can tell us what to do? You think you can tell us what to wear?
You think you're better? Well you better get ready.

Bow to the Melk Man.

Edit: Disregard text. GIFs still amazing

Melky Cabrera made a triumphant return to Atlanta's Turner Field last week, the same place that he endured the worst season of his professional career. Cabrera ate the Braves' pitching alive, two hands at a time, going 6-13 with 5 runs, 3 RBI and one cherry-on-top home run.

A main piece in the 2010 Braves-Yankees trade for Javier Vazquez, Cabrera hit .255 in Atlanta with only 4 home runs over 458 at bats. Cabrera was mostly relegated to the bench during the Braves epic playoff battle with the Giants that year, and was a non-factor once on the field going hitless in 8 at bats. They said he was fat and out of shape. Melky was released by the Braves after only one season.

That was 2010, and after a rehab stint with a minor league team in Kansas City, the Melk Man has been reborn in 2012 as a serious MVP candidate with the San Francisco Giants. He's leading the Giants offense with a .356/.400/.534 slash line, in addition to leading all of baseball in hits (132 as of today).

That's right. Melky Cabrera. You were shocked he made the All Star team. You were shocked he won the All Star MVP award, and whether or not he wins the National League MVP, he wants you to know that the man once known as Masapan Con Leche should now be known as Maza Con Leche.
Also, he has two words for you:

After the game, Chipper Jones was very upset, telling the Atlanta Journal-Constitution, "that's Melky, and that's why he's not here anymore." Jones, at 67 years of age, believes in an old school version of the game, adding that the Melk Man's actions "won't be forgotten." 

Melky's response below (56K beware):

How to Make the MLB All Star Game Exciting

For all the hoopla they get, the MLB All Star Game and its associated acts are actually pretty dull. What are Matt Kemp and his friends going to do this time? Hit more home runs? Less home runs? It's batting practice, and you can see that any time you want (granted, you won't witness any State Farm contest winners get their hopes and dreams crushed by Carlos Beltran's don't care attitude).

How can we spice things up moving forward? Here's a simple solution conjured up by the esteemed PHS Baseball Think Tank...

THE OBSTACLE COURSE.

Where the NBA Skills Challenge is goofy and unnecessary, its MLB counterpart will be goofy and totally $#%^#@* amazing.

Participants for the SkiLLZ ChaLLeNGe (remember, the MLB is always a decade behind) will include six of the most physically awkward players in the league, as voted by their peers. It should look something like this:

Hunter Pence
Nyjer Morgan
Jose Altuve
Pablo Sandoval
Placido Polanco
Dan Uggla

The opening leg of the SkiLLZ ChaLLeNGe, sponsored by Detrol, begins with a carioca run from the dugout to the batters box for the first of several SkiLLZ stations.

At the first station, players will step in the box and attempt to bat balls at targets of varying values. Several "money balls" filled with blue dye instead of cork will be thrown at random. Hilarity will ensue. (Sponsored by Tide).

After 20 pitches (thrown in rapid succession), players will enter a dead sprint to the right field corner where, upon arrival at the second station, they will have to (1) spin around a bat, forehead to handle, 10 times, (2) tear open a pack of Big League Chew (or whichever brofessional gum Wrigley is selling at the moment), (3) blow a giant bubble and (4) place the completed bubble on Don Zimmer's bald head. No hands.

From there, they will have to run, while still dizzy, to center field, where the Tom Emanski Memorial SkiLLZ Station awaits. It won't be that easy, of course, as players will have to make the run while trying to avoid a scary clown trying to touch their dick (customary, misappropriated use of "That's A Clown Question, Bro." Nailed it).

If it wasn't for Dear Father Tom Emanski, this event would probably never enter the baseball schema. With Fred McGriff looking on, participants at the center field station will attempt to throw a strike into a trash can placed behind home plate. And by trash can, I mean giant Axe Body Spray can. Pick your jaw up off of the table, Mr. Selig. This isn't over yet.

With Beat Takeshi and Sonomanma Higashi on commentary, players will navigate a zig-zag run through cones along the left field warning track. Meanwhile, fans in the first three rows will try to pelt them with delicious Taco Bell Beefy Nacho Burritos.

After making the final turn in the left field corner, players will high-knee through the Firestone Tire run, and then finally make one final sprint towards a 60-foot, Gatorade-filled slip-n-slide that takes them through the finish line.

The best time wins. There you have it. Big fun. Big money. The 1st Annual Captain Morgan MLB SkiLLZ ChaLLeNGe presented by Captain Morgan.