"They Might Be Giants"

The glory of America's pastime in the heat of a pennant race. 

The story of a team forged under pressure.

They were misfits. They were champions. 

They were Giants. 

An excerpt from the upcoming film:

INT. GIANTS CLUBHOUSE

Brian Sabean and Bruce Bochy converse in locker room tunnel.

BRUCE BOCHY

Are you f****** kidding me? What is this s***? Melky f***** us! We're f*****! We're f****** f*****, goddamnit!

Hunter Pence walks through the middle of conversation, pauses as he realizes his mistake, turns around and walks through conversation again. 

BRUCE BOCHY (CONT'D)

What are we going to do Sabes?
   (pauses, looks up)
Who's going to lead this team?

Sabean takes off glasses, leans in towards Bochy's right ear.

BRIAN SABEAN

Make the call. 

CUT TO:

INT. CALIFORNIA INTERSTATE 205

Wide angle shot tracking decrepit muscle car speeding north on an empty freeway. 

Zoom in towards driver. Todd Linden lets out sustained scream as he accelerates out of frame.  

THE CAST

John C. Reilly as Matt Cain

CM Punk as Brian Wilson

Jon Heder as Buster Posey

Louis C.K. as Aubrey Huff

Harland Williams as Madison Bumgarner

Woody Harrelson as Hunter Pence

Aziz Ansari as Angel Pagan

John Stamos as himself

Dave Longstreth of Dirty Projectors as Barry Zito

Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson as Melky Cabrera

 N.O.R.E. as Pablo Sandoval

Joseph Gordon Levitt as Tim Lincecum

Lance Reddick as Roberto Kelly

Clancy Brown as Brian Sabean

And featuring Dennis Miller as manager Bruce Bochy

SPRING 2013

Country Hardball, Reptile People and the Secret of the Pyramids

Some trace the origins of baseball as we know it to the mid 1800s. Others trace it to 13th century France. Is it possible, however, that the game goes back to a date much, much earlier than scholars and scholar-athletes previously thought? Is such a thing even possible? Yes it is. 

Might I suggest that the great "American" game actually started over 5000 years ago along the Nile River, played by those not coordinated enough to ride alligators or play handball.

Is it a coincidence that the baseball diamond is merely two pyramids stacked on top of each other? And who created the pyramids? The ancient astronauts? Did the ancient astronauts create the game of baseball? The answer is more simple than you think. The answer is "yes."

But why did the ancient astronauts create the game of baseball? Is it a haven for reptilian shapeshifters? 

The past decade has been a breakthrough for proponents of reptilian-one-world-government conspiracy theories: The Bush Presidency, the collapse of the dollar, Watch The Throne. It's so clear! It's right in front of your face! What are you doing still sitting in front of the computer? Run motherf$#%$@!

The Kanye/Jay-Z metamorphosis photo shocked many. We now know that the reptilians rule the government, the movie industry, and pop music. Might I suggest that they are also nearly unhittable. 

Tall, powerful reptilian humanoids are dominating the game of baseball. 

They might play on different teams, deceiving the naked eye, but if you examine them together they are clearly cut from the same extraterrestrial cloth. They are all under 24 years old. They all display arm motion that defies our understanding of human biomechanics. Madison Bumgarner once threw behind a hitter in Double-A because he "swung too hard" on the previous pitch. His blood runs cold. 

Of course, if you think about it, this isn't the first time we've seen clear evidence of reptilian shapeshifters in Major League Baseball...

Sartorial Baseball: Streetwear Dante Bichette

Most of us know Dante Bichette as one of the greatest, mullet-wearing players in baseball history. The four-time All Star turned in some seriously prolific offensive seasons during his career, including 40 HR and a .340 BA in 1995, 31-31 and 141 RBI in 1996, and 219 hits in 1998. Some would call him underrated - a man forgotten, floating away in the low oxygen Denver atmosphere. 

One thing he definitely never gets credit for, however, is sparking the multi-thousand dollar industry we know today as streetwear.

The visionary Bichette set the fashion world ablaze the day he wore a black Hanes tee with the simple screenprinted message, "BICHETTE HAPPENS." Parody, underrated subject matter, DIY sensibilities...bow down and acknowledge the Higgs boson of the streetwear universe, ladies and gentleman. 

The next time some punk tries to drop knowledge on you, just tell them about

Dante&
Vinny&
Ellis&
Larry&
Andres.

Hector Santiago: Powerful. Inaccurate. Hector Santiago.

Happy Birthday, Michael Nelson Voltron Trout

(To be read in the voice of Tim Kurkjian)

Happy 21st Birthday, Mike Trout.

To think only a year ago you were little more than a prized prospect. A mere twinkle in the eye of the baseball intelligentsia. You had a proverbial "cup of tea" in 2011, but Papa Mike wasn't ready to take the training wheels off just yet. Back to the Minors you went.

With Albert Pujols and the rest of the Angels struggling, they brought you back up to the Big Leagues one month into the 2012 season. This time, though, there was no need for a break-in period. This time, you meant business. Serious business. 

Here you are, a grown man 88 games into the season, leading the universe in runs (87), stolen bases (36), WAR (6.9), Icelandic frost giants slain (3) and even the weird stats like wRC+ (185). 

To celebrate, you hit your 20th home run of the season, giving you a shot at joining Eric Davis and Barry Bonds as only the third player in MLB history to finish with a 30-50 season (again, after missing nearly all of April). As it stands right now, you have the highest OPS+ (183) in an age 20 season ever. That's higher than names like Jimmie Foxx, Eddie Matthews, Rogers Hornsby, Ty Cobb, Mickey Mantle and Ted Williams. 

It's party time. 

May the next 21 years be full of happiness and free of statistical regression. Here's to you, Mikey. What do you get the kid who has everything? Your geodes are in the mail!

Break It Down: Melky Cabrera Has Two Words For You

Are you ready?
You think you can tell us what to do? You think you can tell us what to wear?
You think you're better? Well you better get ready.

Bow to the Melk Man.

Edit: Disregard text. GIFs still amazing

Melky Cabrera made a triumphant return to Atlanta's Turner Field last week, the same place that he endured the worst season of his professional career. Cabrera ate the Braves' pitching alive, two hands at a time, going 6-13 with 5 runs, 3 RBI and one cherry-on-top home run.

A main piece in the 2010 Braves-Yankees trade for Javier Vazquez, Cabrera hit .255 in Atlanta with only 4 home runs over 458 at bats. Cabrera was mostly relegated to the bench during the Braves epic playoff battle with the Giants that year, and was a non-factor once on the field going hitless in 8 at bats. They said he was fat and out of shape. Melky was released by the Braves after only one season.

That was 2010, and after a rehab stint with a minor league team in Kansas City, the Melk Man has been reborn in 2012 as a serious MVP candidate with the San Francisco Giants. He's leading the Giants offense with a .356/.400/.534 slash line, in addition to leading all of baseball in hits (132 as of today).

That's right. Melky Cabrera. You were shocked he made the All Star team. You were shocked he won the All Star MVP award, and whether or not he wins the National League MVP, he wants you to know that the man once known as Masapan Con Leche should now be known as Maza Con Leche.
Also, he has two words for you:

After the game, Chipper Jones was very upset, telling the Atlanta Journal-Constitution, "that's Melky, and that's why he's not here anymore." Jones, at 67 years of age, believes in an old school version of the game, adding that the Melk Man's actions "won't be forgotten." 

Melky's response below (56K beware):

How to Make the MLB All Star Game Exciting

For all the hoopla they get, the MLB All Star Game and its associated acts are actually pretty dull. What are Matt Kemp and his friends going to do this time? Hit more home runs? Less home runs? It's batting practice, and you can see that any time you want (granted, you won't witness any State Farm contest winners get their hopes and dreams crushed by Carlos Beltran's don't care attitude).

How can we spice things up moving forward? Here's a simple solution conjured up by the esteemed PHS Baseball Think Tank...

THE OBSTACLE COURSE.

Where the NBA Skills Challenge is goofy and unnecessary, its MLB counterpart will be goofy and totally $#%^#@* amazing.

Participants for the SkiLLZ ChaLLeNGe (remember, the MLB is always a decade behind) will include six of the most physically awkward players in the league, as voted by their peers. It should look something like this:

Hunter Pence
Nyjer Morgan
Jose Altuve
Pablo Sandoval
Placido Polanco
Dan Uggla

The opening leg of the SkiLLZ ChaLLeNGe, sponsored by Detrol, begins with a carioca run from the dugout to the batters box for the first of several SkiLLZ stations.

At the first station, players will step in the box and attempt to bat balls at targets of varying values. Several "money balls" filled with blue dye instead of cork will be thrown at random. Hilarity will ensue. (Sponsored by Tide).

After 20 pitches (thrown in rapid succession), players will enter a dead sprint to the right field corner where, upon arrival at the second station, they will have to (1) spin around a bat, forehead to handle, 10 times, (2) tear open a pack of Big League Chew (or whichever brofessional gum Wrigley is selling at the moment), (3) blow a giant bubble and (4) place the completed bubble on Don Zimmer's bald head. No hands.

From there, they will have to run, while still dizzy, to center field, where the Tom Emanski Memorial SkiLLZ Station awaits. It won't be that easy, of course, as players will have to make the run while trying to avoid a scary clown trying to touch their dick (customary, misappropriated use of "That's A Clown Question, Bro." Nailed it).

If it wasn't for Dear Father Tom Emanski, this event would probably never enter the baseball schema. With Fred McGriff looking on, participants at the center field station will attempt to throw a strike into a trash can placed behind home plate. And by trash can, I mean giant Axe Body Spray can. Pick your jaw up off of the table, Mr. Selig. This isn't over yet.

With Beat Takeshi and Sonomanma Higashi on commentary, players will navigate a zig-zag run through cones along the left field warning track. Meanwhile, fans in the first three rows will try to pelt them with delicious Taco Bell Beefy Nacho Burritos.

After making the final turn in the left field corner, players will high-knee through the Firestone Tire run, and then finally make one final sprint towards a 60-foot, Gatorade-filled slip-n-slide that takes them through the finish line.

The best time wins. There you have it. Big fun. Big money. The 1st Annual Captain Morgan MLB SkiLLZ ChaLLeNGe presented by Captain Morgan.