Break It Down: Melky Cabrera Has Two Words For You

Are you ready?
You think you can tell us what to do? You think you can tell us what to wear?
You think you're better? Well you better get ready.

Bow to the Melk Man.

Edit: Disregard text. GIFs still amazing

Melky Cabrera made a triumphant return to Atlanta's Turner Field last week, the same place that he endured the worst season of his professional career. Cabrera ate the Braves' pitching alive, two hands at a time, going 6-13 with 5 runs, 3 RBI and one cherry-on-top home run.

A main piece in the 2010 Braves-Yankees trade for Javier Vazquez, Cabrera hit .255 in Atlanta with only 4 home runs over 458 at bats. Cabrera was mostly relegated to the bench during the Braves epic playoff battle with the Giants that year, and was a non-factor once on the field going hitless in 8 at bats. They said he was fat and out of shape. Melky was released by the Braves after only one season.

That was 2010, and after a rehab stint with a minor league team in Kansas City, the Melk Man has been reborn in 2012 as a serious MVP candidate with the San Francisco Giants. He's leading the Giants offense with a .356/.400/.534 slash line, in addition to leading all of baseball in hits (132 as of today).

That's right. Melky Cabrera. You were shocked he made the All Star team. You were shocked he won the All Star MVP award, and whether or not he wins the National League MVP, he wants you to know that the man once known as Masapan Con Leche should now be known as Maza Con Leche.
Also, he has two words for you:

After the game, Chipper Jones was very upset, telling the Atlanta Journal-Constitution, "that's Melky, and that's why he's not here anymore." Jones, at 67 years of age, believes in an old school version of the game, adding that the Melk Man's actions "won't be forgotten." 

Melky's response below (56K beware):

How to Make the MLB All Star Game Exciting

For all the hoopla they get, the MLB All Star Game and its associated acts are actually pretty dull. What are Matt Kemp and his friends going to do this time? Hit more home runs? Less home runs? It's batting practice, and you can see that any time you want (granted, you won't witness any State Farm contest winners get their hopes and dreams crushed by Carlos Beltran's don't care attitude).

How can we spice things up moving forward? Here's a simple solution conjured up by the esteemed PHS Baseball Think Tank...

THE OBSTACLE COURSE.

Where the NBA Skills Challenge is goofy and unnecessary, its MLB counterpart will be goofy and totally $#%^#@* amazing.

Participants for the SkiLLZ ChaLLeNGe (remember, the MLB is always a decade behind) will include six of the most physically awkward players in the league, as voted by their peers. It should look something like this:

Hunter Pence
Nyjer Morgan
Jose Altuve
Pablo Sandoval
Placido Polanco
Dan Uggla

The opening leg of the SkiLLZ ChaLLeNGe, sponsored by Detrol, begins with a carioca run from the dugout to the batters box for the first of several SkiLLZ stations.

At the first station, players will step in the box and attempt to bat balls at targets of varying values. Several "money balls" filled with blue dye instead of cork will be thrown at random. Hilarity will ensue. (Sponsored by Tide).

After 20 pitches (thrown in rapid succession), players will enter a dead sprint to the right field corner where, upon arrival at the second station, they will have to (1) spin around a bat, forehead to handle, 10 times, (2) tear open a pack of Big League Chew (or whichever brofessional gum Wrigley is selling at the moment), (3) blow a giant bubble and (4) place the completed bubble on Don Zimmer's bald head. No hands.

From there, they will have to run, while still dizzy, to center field, where the Tom Emanski Memorial SkiLLZ Station awaits. It won't be that easy, of course, as players will have to make the run while trying to avoid a scary clown trying to touch their dick (customary, misappropriated use of "That's A Clown Question, Bro." Nailed it).

If it wasn't for Dear Father Tom Emanski, this event would probably never enter the baseball schema. With Fred McGriff looking on, participants at the center field station will attempt to throw a strike into a trash can placed behind home plate. And by trash can, I mean giant Axe Body Spray can. Pick your jaw up off of the table, Mr. Selig. This isn't over yet.

With Beat Takeshi and Sonomanma Higashi on commentary, players will navigate a zig-zag run through cones along the left field warning track. Meanwhile, fans in the first three rows will try to pelt them with delicious Taco Bell Beefy Nacho Burritos.

After making the final turn in the left field corner, players will high-knee through the Firestone Tire run, and then finally make one final sprint towards a 60-foot, Gatorade-filled slip-n-slide that takes them through the finish line.

The best time wins. There you have it. Big fun. Big money. The 1st Annual Captain Morgan MLB SkiLLZ ChaLLeNGe presented by Captain Morgan.

Future Sex/Love Sounds/Soft Corinthian Leather

Who claims these renaissance man titles? He of near-as-makes-no-difference 12,000 plate appearances; he of 11 gold gloves; he the active leader in defensive WAR (by Baseball-Reference); he an accomplished oil painter, he a successful chef/dancer of salsa; need I go on or shall I let the embedded images do thine bidding?

Break It Down: MIKE TROUT IS A MAN. HE'S 20.

"If he's not the best player in the game by the end of this season, he will be by the end of next season."

ESPN's Buster Olney dropped this gem on us last Friday, quoting an anonymous veteran talent evaluator's assessment of Angels rookie Mike Trout, setting off a Twitter firestorm. 

Superlatives aside, we cannot ignore the great monster season that the Salvelinus of Swat is having in Anaheim. The numbers aren't obvious -- he doesn't have 20 home runs or 20 stolen bases (not yet) -- but his impact is undeniable. The Angels sat at a disappointing 6-14 before Trout was called up to the Bigs. With Trout atop the lineup (and this Pujols guy finally coming around), the Angels have since gone 18-11. 

Trout in the leadoff spot is a nightmare for pitchers facing an Albert Pujols led offense. Heading into tonight's game, Trout is seeing 4.26 pitches per plate appearance, placing him at 16th in the league (minimum 100 AB). He's grasped the concept of leadoff hitter early, working deep counts, not chasing pitches off the plate. Trout holds a .367 on-base percentage, and once he's on base, he's running. Trout is now 8/10 in stolen bases, numbers which might even be modest at this point, as the same veteran talent evaluator quoted by Olney echoed sentiments that Trout may very well be the "fastest player in the game."

Speed isn't the only important element in Trout's game, of course. Living up to the 5-Tool hype, Trout holds a .491 slugging percentage, good enough for third among all rookies (behind fellow wunderkind Bryce Harper and Cardinals slugger Matt Carpenter). Eleven of his 32 hits are of the extra base variety, including four home runs.  You don't want to put Trout on base, but you also can't give in over the plate. Basically, he'll punish you either way. 

When Trout puts it all together, he has a day like this:

In case you missed it, let's take a look at that infield single:

(via SB Nation)

Right now, even in the instances when Trout doesn't hit a line drive, he's making up for it with his extraordinary wheels. In the Majors and Minors combined, Trout owns a career .383 BABIP. While a high BABIP (batting average on balls in play) usually indicates a a certain amount of luck for hitters, Trout, like Ichiro before him, records high BABIP numbers thanks to his ability to put the ball in play and run like a bat out of hell. If he continues to put up BABIP numbers like this, he'll be number two all time, sitting right above none other than Ty Cobb.

Trout isn't elite at everything. According to Tater Trot Tracker, he doesn't run the bases too fast or too slow when he hits home runs. He's very average. Adam Rosales isn't impressed.

A lot of baseball remains to be played in 2012, but if Trout stays consistent, the Angels will look like a dark horse team entering the playoffs. Not only is he the future of the franchise, he might be their most important player right now, playing the indispensable Kato to Albert Pujols' very expensive Britt Reid/Green Hornet. All of this coming from a guy who was born only two months before Marky Mark and Funky Bunch took over the Billboard charts.

Ladies and gentlemen, Mike Trout is a man. He's 20.

Another PHS Break It Down analysis from Perez Neifi and Trill Buckner.

Tony Campana: In Before The Lock

Weird Body: Mark Teixeira's Facial Expressions

The people have spoken and this person has listened - PHS returns with another installment of Weird Body.  In the inaugural post on Post Hype Sleeper, we paid homage to the, uhhh, peculiar shape of Placido Polanco's head. This episode features the visage of Yankee first baseman Mark Charles Teixeira. Tex, as his teammates call him, hails from Maryland, played college ball in Georgia, and was drafted by the Texas Rangers.**  Mark has also been blessed (TYBG) with only two true facial expressions: overt, naked happiness and unequivocal, unambiguous fear. Everything else is merely a shade of grey along the continuum of this dichotomy. Come join me as we embark along Tex's (pronounced te-sh-es) well-emotioned face.

Pregame Mark is a jovial caricature of himself. See how he deploys the old "super glue the ball to the tip of your finger" trick? You fooled me Tex!

Positioned at the absolute center of bliss and angst, Mark is displaying his "Blue is Teal" pose he learned from Derek Zoolander.

Mark is more than a little scared of Reggie - but who isn't?

"Why is a person standing on that dirt hill? OMG OMG OMG HE'S LOOKING AT ME! You - in the armor! Gimme your mask! This guy looks like he's got something in his hand!"

AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH hethrewithethrewithethrewit ohmygosh ican'tdothis iwantmymommy

**PHEW! I was beginning to think his nickname was just another derivative of the first-initial-followed-by-the-first-syllable-of-the-lastname nickname. Oh? It's just a shittier version of that? Okay carry on.

Shoulda Yelled Two: Inge Scores 3x Bonus Points on HR

Brandon Inge's Sunday night home run took the most (un)fortunate of bounces, ricocheting off of at least three people in the Tampa crowd. The primary victim not only gets the Matt Holliday treatment, but the ball continues on to hit his female companion POW right in the kisser. Take a look:


via Busted Coverage